What is happening with being mother these days? If you have any experiences like what you will read below, please share it with me. I want to know if this is just me or something is in the air.
For several past years, more than earlier, I have been reading about the importance of self care for moms while raising kids. While I enormously agree with this as I am a mother myself and understand how sometimes it can be, at the same time I need to share my frustration. As I mentioned, yes, I agree self care is important and needed, but to what extent? What are mothers of these days sometimes REALLY need time for?
Let me share with you some of my experiences. When me and my husband had our first baby, we had to live separately in two different countries, none of which was ours. Without some significant help and support I was raising our baby son by myself, while working three jobs and going to school. There were times I would sleep with my baby from 8 pm till 2 am and then get up to study from 2 am till 6:30 am when I would wake him up to get him ready for day care and me leaving to work. I did not even have time to feel tired and complain; actually, I was very happy to manage every day, to pay bills, to cover child care and to have some time with him.
But, on another side I had to deal with whining friends-mothers too (aren’t we all supposed to help each other and benefit from each other, not just benefit selfishly for ourselves?). I had this one friend specifically who worked with me. She had a son of same age like mine, she had her partner and her mom to help. She was not in school and “just” worked one full time job, the one we worked together. She was also a citizen of country I lived in while I was not. I will not even go into discussion about immigration issues and what that carries. Often I was listening her complaints about how hard it is to be a mom, and how tired she was. I could only listen her. After some time she separated from her partner and here panics started: “OMG OMG help me, take my child, I need to go run and finish this, and finish that, etc. etc.” she would be telling me. I was running and finishing things with my son for years and nobody asked me how. Anyway, her panic and hysteria were ridiculous. As much as I was trying to help her taking her son, I now became overly tired with two children. Until one day she asked me if I could take her child for the night so that she can go out and have some fun as she has been EXHAUSTED from doing it all alone and needs a break. I simply could not believe. What have been I doing all these years? Going out was my last priority. That is where I had it enough and asked her to suck it up, grow up and put her “mother” coat on and understands that this child needs her. Do not take advantage of other mothers, especially if they are managing as same as you do, maybe even more.
I have more stories like this but this is the one that always makes me angry when I remember this DIVA. And this woman seriously calls herself DIVA. Her Instagram name is DIVA something and is full of some DIVA photos. Well, when you want to be DIVA while somebody else is raising your children then think twice before becoming a mom. DIVA and mom, for me somehow do not go together. Except if I am DIVA to my own children.
Anyway, recently I became mother of a beautiful baby. She is now 8 years old. My husband and me with help of our 6.5 y old son are doing everything together and alone. We do not have mothers or aunties to jump in, but trust me I enjoyed it to the fullest. As I have been from work for a year, for other moms this means privilege and something to use … So often I need to hear how life again is difficult when one needs to balance motherhood and work and how it is hard to work on homework and other responsibilities with kids. Kids often end up being given iPads, phones, and other electronics, just to leave parents alone. What are we investing in these children? Can’t we use every single minute to talk to them and get to know them? I am not perfect mom but I do not blame kids for many misbehaviours that I witness every day at kids including temper tantrums, hitting parents, moodiness etc. We did have episode of misbehaving with out son last year and I learnt a lot from that. Before looking at child and what is “wrong” with him, I had to look at myself and what I can improve. And it worked.
At the end, I want to say, yes, I agree that we as moms need to have self care and do things that make us happy but please do not be frustrated around your children so that they feel guilty for your unhappiness, exhaustion and tiredness. They feel it! Please do not be passively aggressive toward them and ignore them while having your eyes on your phone or in order to have time to take your Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook photos that often picture you as excellent mom. This pisses me off. We are still mothers and motherhood is important in raising children. If you think you are spending too much time with children and it is just too much, trust me, it is not. It is never too much. They need us! We are creating new generations, we are creating new leaders, presidents, not persons who will not know what real mother’s love.
For the end I want to share this photo that I found recently on Facebook and it talks about the times we live in.
Please share your experiences with me and other moms. Thanks!